Showing posts with label schlock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label schlock. Show all posts
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| Lily Taylor finds something worth investigating |
THE CONJURING (2013). Director: James Wan.
When Carolyn and Roger Perron (Lili Taylor; Ron Livingston) and their several children are subjected to frightening supernatural events in a new house they've moved into, they call on [real-life] psychic researchers and demonologists Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) and Ed Warren (Patrick Wilson). That's the plot of this rather dull horror flick that purports to be "based on the true story." Yeah, right. The Warrens also "investigated" the now thoroughly debunked Amityville Horror hoax, and this movie is little more than a retread of that film -- you get the little girl with the imaginary friend, doors that open by themselves, hidden rooms and a spooky basement; no cliche is left unturned -- and The Exorcist. How this completely unoriginal and rather tedious movie -- even when it gets "exciting" near the end it's still a bore -- got good reviews from some critics [or got some people to proclaim it was the "scariest" film they ever saw] is beyond me. The actors are all okay, but they'd be advised to be choosier about their projects in the future. The Conjuring, like the equally sub-literate Amityville Horror, made enough money for a sequel [and I suppose a remake in about twenty years], but it's not the kind of movie that exactly enhances anybody's career. It's not even that well directed. The only funny moment is at the very end when the Warrens take off to meet a priest who wants to talk to them "about a house on Long Island."
Verdict: Schlock feeding off schlock. *.
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| Griffin Dunne and David Naughton |
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981). Writer/director: John Landis.
Two Americans, David (David Naughton) and Jack (Griffin Dunne) are on a walking tour through the British countryside when they are attacked by a werewolf. Jack is killed, but David is bitten, and Jack's increasingly decomposing corpse keeps showing up to warn David that he will turn into a werewolf and kill people, and that his only recourse is to commit suicide. David would prefer to think he's just having crazy hallucinations, particularly as he's just entered into a relationship with his hospital nurse, Alex (Jenny Agutter). Then one night when the moon is full David begins to transform and the killings begin ... I thought American Werewolf was greatly over-rated when it first appeared, and my opinion of it hasn't changed over thirty years later. The black comedy approach may have [unfortunately] influenced many subsequent alleged "horror" films, but it was nothing new -- in fact, the whole movie resembles nothing so much as an EC horror comics story of the fifties. Naughton is okay in the lead, but you get the impression he should have stayed with Dr. Pepper commercials. Dunne is much better as Jack, Agutter is competent, and Lila Kaye makes an impression as a barkeeper. The movie is bloodier than it needs to be, which is kind of at odds with the supposedly "light" tone of the piece. The man-into-wolf transformation scene got a lot of press at the time; it's less impressive today, and the scenes showing the monster walking about aren't very credible. An interesting sequence has David meeting his disfigured victims in a porno movie house. In some ways the movie is quite schlocky; even the attack scenes aren't that well handled. Landis had few if any big hits after The Twilight Zone tragedy, which was covered in the book "Outrageous Conduct."
Verdict: Uneven blend of gore and comedy. **.
Major William Allison (Robert Clarke) flies his plane on a test run and somehow manages to cross the time barrier, winding up in a dismal world 64 years in the future. Due to a cosmic plague from space travel, the inhabitants of the underground city he is taken to are mostly sterile deaf mutes, and there are mutants -- with very wrinkled bald pates -- groveling in a prison pit. People who have escaped the plague are contemptuously referred to as "Scapes." Both the Captain (Boyd "Red" Morgan) and Supreme (Vladimir Sokoloff), who are the rulers, suspect Allison of being a spy, although it's hard to imagine why anyone would want to spy on this pathetic "civilization." Other "spies," whose aircraft or spacecraft also crossed the time barrier in later years than Allison's, include General Kruse (Stephen Bekassy of Black Magic), Dr. Bourman (John Van Dreelen of The Leech Woman) and Captain Markova (Arianne Arden Ulmer, the director's daughter). The most sympathetic person in this futuristic world is Trirene (Darlene Tompkins), who seems to have some psychic power and is hoping to repopulate the world with Major Allison. The other "spies" want to help Allison get back to his time so he can prevent the plague, but perhaps they have something more sinister up their sleeves ... Clarke [The Hideous Sun Demon], who also produced, gives a good performance in this, but the movie is old comic book-level sci fi schlock: dying future societies with horrible mutants were nothing new even in 1960, and a couple of interesting ideas are not well-developed. The acting is generally good, with Arianne Ulmer, who had few other credits, credibly bitchy, and the expressive Tompkins, who was introduced in this picture, poor gal, getting things across with no dialogue; she had a few more credits than Ms. Ulmer. Both Sokoloff and Boyd, who wears a ridiculously long and pointy beard in this, had a great many credits. The ending is rather downbeat, especially given that the Major is a pretty decent guy.
Verdict: Could have used a few monsters to liven things up; Clarke deserved better. **.
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| The zombies are coming! |
REC (aka Red Light/2007). Directors: Jaume Belaguero; Paco Plaza.
A reporter named Angela (Manuela Velasco) is doing a story on the local fire department with her unseen cameraman, Pablo (Pablo Rosso), when an alarm comes in. Inexplicably the fire department is called in simply because an elderly lady in an apartment building is screaming, even though a police officer (Vincente Gil) is already on the scene. The ravenous old lady attacks two men, and authorities on the outside quarantine the building to stop the spread of a possible bacteriological infection. Everyone who's bitten by an infected person becomes violent and crazy. Angela and Pablo struggle to stay alive while everything is recorded solely by the video camera. Rec can make you nauseous not because of the bloodletting, but because of the shaky camera movements. It's one thing to use this approach when the events unfolding are real, but when they're just made up it makes little sense to subject the audience to tedious, documentary-style "camerawork" when a normal approach would work so much better. Although Rec was a hit in Spain and was remade in the U.S. as Quarantine, it has absolutely no new ideas, so you wonder if its fans have ever seen that many horror films. The creepy moments are nearly outnumbered by the stupid ones, and for long stretches the movie is incredibly boring. The film also has little emotional resonance, making it mostly schlock. So far there have been two sequels, with a third on the way, and Quarantine itself has an unrelated sequel as well. I will happily miss all of them. At least the acting is rather good.
Verdict: An occasional taut moment, but mostly over-familiar tedium; you've seen it all before. **.
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| Phyllis Diller as Rapunzel/Camille Salamander |
"After I saw The Fat Spy I went straight to confession -- and I'm not even Catholic." -- Phyllis Diller
George Wellington (Brian Donlevy), the head of a cosmetics firm, and Camille Salamander (Phyllis Diller) are both hoping to get their hands on a fountain of youth formula and are annoyed that a bunch of singing teenagers have taken up residence on the island where the formula might be found. Or something like that. Rarely have there been such films of stark brilliance, comedic genius, and extreme profundity -- and The Fat Spy is certainly not one of them. The movie is a weird combination of Beach Party-spoof, teen musical, and alleged comedy, although it has only a couple of genuinely amusing sequences. In one of these Camille's boyfriend Herman (Jack E. Leonard) sings a funny number, "You Haven't Changed a Bit" ["a peeping tom pulled down the shade"] to her, and the ending is kind of funny, too. Otherwise ... There are some decent tunes warbled by Johnny Tillotson, Jordan Christopher [who later married Sybil Burton] and the Wild Ones, and even Jayne Mansfield, who sings "I'd Like to Be a Rose in Your Garden, but I'm Just a Thorn in Your Side." Diller isn't bad, Donlevy is an old pro, but Leonard isn't much of an actor yet is given two roles to play. Jayne Mansfield has done better work elsewhere, such as an episode on The Alfred Hitchcock Hour. The film is padded with long sequences of good-looking young people dancing. Cates also directed Who Killed Teddy Bear? and little else of note.
Verdict: Get ready to hit that fast-forward button -- or "stop!": *1/2.
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| James Ellison and Robert Lowery |
On the island of Hondorica, whose chief export is sugar, prime minister Henri Degiere (Marvin Miller) learns that his daughter, Francoise (Ingebord Kjeldsen), has been kidnapped by the Castro-inspired El Maximo Toro ["The Most Bull"] -- who is played by Robert Lowery -- and taken to his island. Francoise, a hellcat, is really Toro's lover, and it's all a plot to get some rifles from Degiere. Texas millionaire Longhorn (James Ellison) brings a bunch of women to Toro's island, and they shave his beard and somehow defeat him. Or something like that. Others trapped in this mess include Jackie Coogan, as Degiere's assistant; Tommy Cook [Missile to the Moon] as native Razmo; and Gabriel Dell [Junior G-Men] as Henderson, Toro's good right arm. Henderson has a pretty girlfriend named Melesa (True Ellison, James Ellison's daughter, who played Snow White in Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm).The music is okay but the attempts at satire are pitiful and the film hasn't got a single laugh.
Verdict: If only the girls had taken over! 1/2 star.
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| Space amazons give boys a brain drain |
INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES (1962). Director: Bruno VeSota.
Jonathan Haze, who appeared in several Roger Corman features such as the starring role in The Little Shop of Horrors, wrote the screenplay for this atrocity and was supposed to play the lead with Dick Miller as his co-star. Wisely they passed up the opportunity and the utterly talentless Robert Ball and Frankie Ray were instead cast as two fucked-up soldiers who are sent to investigate a cave and discover strange vegetable-like aliens [who resemble something out of a grade school play] and two amply-endowed Amazon-like extraterrestrial "professors" (Gloria Victor and Delores Reed). The film was directed by Bruno VeSota, who'd appeared as an actor in such films as Attack of the Giant Leeches but had the good sense not to give himself a part in this 99 cents production [one assumes Roger Corman passed on this as well]. Ball and Ray, who make Martin and Lewis knock-offs Sammy Petrillo and Duke Mitchell [Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla] seem like Lawrence Olivier and Charles Laughton in comparison, are just terrible, but even talented comics would have a problem putting over this awful material. The busty outer space visitors want to take over Earth, but when they try to drain the brains of Ball and Ray they find nothing there -- no surprise. The gals are put into blissful shock by kisses from the fellows, making you wonder if the whole point of this production was for two creepy guys to have an opportunity to smooch two women who are so out of their league it isn't funny! Ball managed to rack up over sixty credits, while Ray had only one more credit after this. Reed and Victor are more talented than the boys, but Victor, like Ray, had only one more credit after Star Creatures and Reed never worked in pictures again [another big surprise]. Just dreadful and tedious with nary a real laugh. Mark Ferris, who plays the Colonel, is so completely inept as an actor that it's no wonder this was the only film he ever appeared in.
Verdict: Not even Roger Corman could have saved this hopeless production. 0 stars.
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| Sharks fly through the air in Sharknado |
A hurricane picks sharks right up out of the water and sends them flying inland where they cause havoc. Leading the charge against the sharks are Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering), feisty if annoying Nova (Cassie Scerbo), and grizzled "old" George (John Heard). This Syfy channel original may have a unique premise but it's sunk by a bad script and mostly mediocre acting, with fair-to-middling computer FX. A scene when Fin attacks a shark falling out of the air with a chainsaw makes little sense since it's unlikely the shark would even survive the drop. Even if you love monster movies there's absolutely no reason to go out of your way to see this one. Gore-geeks will be disappointed that there are no grisly beheadings or disembowelments.
Verdict: For the most part clumsy and stupid. **.
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| Tom Conway |
A NIGHT OF ADVENTURE (1944). Director: Gordon Douglas.
NOTE: This review reveals "important" plot points. Lawyer Mark Latham (Tom Conway) has such a busy career and is so diligent with his clients that his wife, Erica (Audrey Long of Desperate), feels neglected. She moves into her own pad and begins seeing a fellow painter named Tony (Louis Borel). Mark goes to Tony's studio, where he discovers a jilted, drunken girlfriend named Julie (Jean Brooks), waiting for Tony with a gun. Attempting to disarm her, Mark winds up accidentally shooting her to death instead. Okay... Does Mark call an ambulance, just in case Julie is still alive? No. He gets his hat and goes home, then winds up being importuned by his wife to defend Tony when he is accused of murdering Julie. Throughout the trial Mark lies to his client, his wife, the police, the D.A. and everyone else -- does the word "disbarment" not mean anything to the man? Through it all Tom Conway shows less emotion or upsetment than if he discovered he's all out of hair dye. A Night of Adventure, based on a play, is meant to be clever but only comes off as increasingly idiotic and illogical, with a "hero" who's supposed to be brilliant and seems only remarkably stupid. At the end Mark flippantly tells Erica how he'll deal with everything without the slightest acknowledgment of the consequences of his actions. Admittedly, you're not supposed to take this frippery seriously, but even so ...! There are no laughs, and the screenplay is too moronic to hold any suspense. And Conway --- although the nominal star of this film he simply heads the cast list under the title and the word "with." He's not even the star of his own movie! It's as if he's being punished for delivering a terrible performance. Conway was George Sanders' brother but was never in his league as an actor, although he did give creditable performances in such films as I Walked with a Zombie. Gordon Douglas' most famous movie is Them.
Verdict: It's because of crap like this that B Movies get a bad rap. *.
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| Connery, Alderton, and Kestelman |
In the year 2293 Earth has undergone a great many changes. In the "outlands" there are masses of comparatively uncivilized "brutals" who are hunted down and killed by "exterminators," who are given weapons by a great floating stone head that calls itself Zardoz. One of these exterminators, Zed (Sean Connery) climbs into the head and winds up in a supposedly more peaceful enclave called a "vortex," where the people are immortal and sexless and many long to die; there is a mixture of new technology with primitive culture. Scientist May (Sara Kestelman) determines that Zed is a superior, mutated specimen of humanity, while Consuella (Charlotte Rampling of Deception), who may or may not be her lover, thinks he should be destroyed. Half of the community wants to be impregnated by Zed while the other half wants to kill him. Whatever allegory may have been intended, Zardoz (the title comes from "The Wizard of Oz" because Zardoz is just a human male and not any kind of god) is monumentally stupid, and doesn't sustain interest. Connery's performance is more than okay, but you wonder why he took this silly assignment unless he felt a need to boast -- or boost -- his virility. Niall Buggy is Zardoz and John Alderton plays a condescending "Friend" of Zed's. Boorman also directed Exorcist II: The Heretic, which was at least a little more entertaining.
Verdict: Pretentious and rather dull twaddle. *1/2.
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| James Villiers co-stars along with Daliah Lavi's cleavage |
In this sequel to Deadlier Than the Male, insurance man Hugh Drummond (Richard Johnson) is up against more female assassins, this time a bevy of sociopathic beauties whose brains have been programmed to murder. Drummond dallies with a nasty baroness named Helga (Daliah Lavi of The Whip and The Body) and matches wits with a foppish villain named Petersen (James Villiers of The Nanny) who employs a destructive infra-sound device, and whose main goal seems to be to destroy the prototype of a supersonic airliner. Robert Morley is some kind of cooking instructor known as "Miss Mary," Sydne Rome is an annoying would-be agent who follows Drummond around, and Ronnie Stevens is a nerdy agent named Peregrine Carruthers. There's one fairly good scene when Drummond's parachute fails to open, but Some Girls Do is vastly inferior to the first film, hastily slapped together, with a bad script and production values that are far below the James Bond level. Lavi's smoky, sexy voice has been dubbed for inexplicable reasons. When it develops that many of the female killers have been outfitted with robot brains and surely must have been kidnapped and worse, no one registers any dismay, but then that's how mindless this movie is. Camp is one thing, but Some Girls Do is so stupid and ultimately dull that it's pretty much an effort to sit through.
Verdict: Watch a real Bond movie instead. *1/2.
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| The cop fights a giant killer klown! |
A small town becomes subjected to an invasion by unusual aliens: they look like clowns, set up an HQ in a circus tent, and use special guns to wrap up people in "cotton candy" that liquefies their bodies for a food supply. Say what you will about Killer Klowns, it has an inventive premise and some clever sequences. The plot is driven by a trio of young residents: Mike (Grant Cramer), his girlfriend Deb (Suzanne Snyder), and her ex, a handsome police officer named Dave (John Allen Nelson), who at first thinks the other two are pulling his leg until he sees Deb trapped in a balloon by one of the clowns. The killer klowns also use balloons twisted together for bloodhounds, have popcorn that masses together to form other, vicious klowns, and can create shadow puppets that can actually engulf and swallow people. In one scene a klown uses the dead body of nasty Sheriff Mooney (John Vernon) as a dummy, and when two of Mike's horny friends are cornered by female klowns with big lips and big busts, they show up covered with exaggerated lip prints. Then there's the giant King Kong-sized klown that tries to crush Dave. Killer Klowns is amiably silly, features some excellent make ups and costumes, has a snappy title tune, and some better production values than you might imagine, none of which quite disguise its low-budget, kind of schlocky, veneer. Still, the movie has too many interesting moments to dismiss it. Vernon [Curtains] gives an especially good performance, and the other actors are fine. The movie may have been inspired by the evil alien clowns who bedeviled the Metal Men in the silver age comic of the same name.
Verdict: Watch out for those clowns! **1/2.